if you believe in love at first sight... you never stop looking

like 2004

2009-02-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

lost hope. avoiding. hard everytime.

not really sure i want to turn it around. i'm perfectly happy, why can't this way just be okay? why do i have social pressure. i do just fine.

Britney

2009-01-14T16:37:00.001-08:00

‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:19 PM]:
I think Britney's Unusual You is a nice song
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:19 PM]:
is that on circus?
‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:19 PM]:
yes
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:20 PM]:
oh yeah this song
it's kinda ballady-electronic
i find it amusing how much trevor hates britney spears
it makes me talk about her more
‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:21 PM]:
I've come full circle
I can't explain why I like her now
I just do
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:21 PM]:
doesn't really matter
you shouldn't have to explain why you like things
‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:22 PM]:
I s'pose. It helps to learn about yourself though.
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:22 PM]:
yeah
well, it took me a while to figure it out but i have a few reasons
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:26 PM]:
She was born same year as me, and is like a month older than me. So in a sense her and I are growing up in different parts of the same world. Somehow she has managed to wholely represent the issues of pop culture of this generation--celebrity, reality, authenticity, attitude, confidence and self-esteem, internet obsession, and on and on--every time she fails and every time she comes back, I feel like the story for the kids of the 80's is being written.
she is simulatenously someone that half of our generation hates and half of our generation loves. both valid opinions of her seem to represent the gamut of pop culture
oh and also she's hot
‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:28 PM]:
haha
good reasons
I think her music is really fun
and as for her... I feel really sorry for her
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:28 PM]:
oh yeah
i think she's entirely super depressed
‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:29 PM]:
I really feel like she's a girl who got used and marketed and is trying to find her way amongst all that
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:29 PM]:
i feel like her recent confidence-pop is making up for depression in her life
attempting to at least. but suspect she is really lost and isn't going to find real happiness anytime soon.
‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:29 PM]:
I agree
I can't imagine growing up like that and having had everyone betray you in one way or another and no one to really trust, b/c everyone wants to make money off of you
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:30 PM]:
yeah. exactly.
she has been at the forefront of pop culture for a long time. everyone talks about her. everyone writes about her. most googled term for years and years. that's got to do a number on even the most confident girl
‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:32 PM]:
yup.
I don't like how everyone feels justified in judging her so harshly
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:33 PM]:
well
‎‎Janani Krishnaswamy‎‎ [4:33 PM]:
she's was flipping 16 when she became a superstar
I was SUCH an idiot when I was 15
err 16
but 15 too
‎‎Justin Ng‎‎ [4:33 PM]:
i agree with you, but i can explain why people do it
gen Y has been bombarded with so many messages. marketing machines have improved to the point where everything appears to be manufactured, people are lied to constantly and everyone is generally suspicious of everything. media bias, marketing, even freaking reality tv has writers in the credits.
authenticity then becomes a thing that people hunger for
and people cynically target anything that doesn't appear authentic
people didn't care back in the day that elvis didn't write music
you were allowed to be a performer
but we're in a world where nothing is real anymore
so now you have to be a singer songwriter non-lipsyncher
or you are not authentic
it's backlash

Happy Birthday

2008-12-26T10:16:00.001-08:00

...

What You Got

2008-09-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

I peeped you on the phone
Just showin' off ya stones
And notice that that pinky ring is bright enough baby

I know you're not alone
But I could just be wrong
The way them fellas houndin' and sizin' you up baby

And I like the way you take advantage of
Every man you love
I see, and I know your game girl
But I don't mind if ya come and play with us
Just don't talk too much
I see, you're so cute you don't have to say a word

See all those guys wanna come treat ya right
Cause you're sweeter than apple pie
Everything that you want you got
Girl you know that you need to stop
Most beautiful thing in sight
Always takin' on the spotlight
Always in the club lookin hot
Girl you know that you need to stop

Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Girl you know that you need to stop
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Girl you know that you need to stop

Girl I can tell you want something to love
That's why you hold on to everything that pass you by
Can't resist girl and I can't lie
Now tell if you are here for me
Or everybody watchin' you shake from left to right
The way you move got me hypnotized

The way you take advantage of
Every man you love
I see, and I know your game girl
But I don't mind if ya come and play with us
Just don't talk too much
I see, you're so cute you don't have to say a word

See all those guys wanna come treat ya right
Cause you're sweeter than apple pie
Everything that you want you got
Girl you know that you need to stop
Most beautiful thing in sight
Always takin' on the spotlight
Always in the club lookin hot
Girl you know that you need to stop

Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Girl you know that you need to stop
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Girl you know that you need to stop

My eyes away from you girl when you get on the floor and do what you do
And errbody wanna come back to that body the kind and remind myself I'm like you
Cuase your that type to drive a man crazy will snatch him away from his lady
No matter how hard the man hold back he'll end up callin' you baby
And they never really know what to do once you expose that thang you do
Ya had him crawlin' on hands and knees and ya find a way to get 'em out that cheese
And why ya thinkin' you the only dude she off in the mall livin' off of you
Lettin' errbody know she got you but now you feel like a fool

See all those guys wanna come treat ya right
Cause you're sweeter than apple pie
Everything that you want you got
Girl you know that you need to stop
Most beautiful thing in sight
Always takin' on the spotlight
Always in the club lookin hot
Girl you know that you need to stop

Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Girl you know that you need to stop
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Always talkin' bout what you got
Girl you know that you need to stop

Hot N Cold

2008-08-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Cryptically

I should know
That you're no good for me

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You don't really want to stay, no
But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

Miles Away

2008-08-24T23:33:00.001-07:00

I just woke up from a fuzzy dream
You never would believe those things that I had seen
I looked in the mirror and I saw your face
You looked right through me, you were miles away

All my dreams they fade away
I'll never be the same
If you could see me the way you see yourself
I can't pretend to be someone else

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

When no one's around then I have you here
I begin to see the picture, it becomes so clear
You always have the biggest heart,
When we're six thousand miles apart

Too much of no sound
Uncomfortable silence can be so loud
Those three words are never enough
When it's long distance love

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we’re at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true
When I'm gone you'll realize
That I'm the best thing that happened to you

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles a-a-away...

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

Another lesson in love

2008-08-21T15:46:00.001-07:00

She's the center of attention, she's a beauty queen with possibilities.
She don't care for my affection, she's my obsession in her black designer jeans.
What more can I say, she keeps me up at night in unfamiliar ways.
I'll send a message to you, but you won't hear.
I'm hopeless and tired of waiting for you to appear.
I'm close, but you're so far.

Another lesson in love.
Why does it always have to be so hard?
I'm so desperate to feel her.
I've come way too close to leave and let it be.
Throwing my love out to her, praying one day that she'll come take it graciously.
What more can I say she keeps me up at night in unfamiliar ways.

I'll send a message to you, but you won't hear.
I'm hopeless and tired of waiting for you to appear.
I'm close, but you're so far.

Another lesson in love.
Why does it always have to be so hard?

Love Hurts

2008-07-16T20:34:00.001-07:00

Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast the truth
Don't want to lose what I had as a boy
My heart still has a beat
But love is now a feat
As common as a cold day in L.A.

Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing

Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive

I'm fettered and abused
Stand naked and accused
Should I surface, this one-man submarine?
I only want the truth!
So tonight we drink to youth!
I'll never lose what I had as a boy

Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive

Without love I won't survive

Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive

Love hurts, ohhh-oh ohh
Love hurts
Without love I won't survive
Love hurts la-la-la-la-la-la oh
Love hurts
Without love I won't survive

Flake

2008-06-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

I know she said it's alright
But you can make it up next time
I know she knows it's not right
There ain't no use in lying
Maybe she thinks I know something
Maybe maybe she thinks its fine
Maybe she knows something I don't
I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one NO not no one
Likes to be let down

I know she loves the sunrise
No longer sees it with her sleeping eyes
And I know that when she said she's gonna try
Well it might not work because of other ties and
I know she usually has some other ties
And I wouldn't want to break 'em, nah, I wouldn't want to break 'em
Maybe she'll help me to untie this but
Until then well, I'm gonna have to lie to you.

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down
It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go

The harder that you try baby, the further you'll fall
Even with all the money in the whole wide world
Please please please don't pass me
Please please please don't pass me
Please please please don't pass me by

Everything you know about me now baby you gonna have to change
You gonna have to call it by a brand new name
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

Just like a tree down by the water baby I shall not move
Even after all the silly things you do
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

it felt just like falling in love again

2008-06-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

falling is scary; you might hit the ground, you might float. you won't know until you're inches from the ground.

bring me

2007-12-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa
I wrote you a letter
I wonder if you ever read it
I've only one wish that I ask you
It's the same old thing
As every other year

This year I can't say I've been perfect
I'm pretty sure I've got a regret or two
But Santa please don't hold it against me
'Cause this time I'm counting on you

To bring me
Bring me love
Santa, bring me
Bring me love

now what?

2007-12-28T02:58:00.000-08:00

it's like a repeat from high school. except that i'm the playboy now? whatever. it's doomed, but i can't help asking for one rematch. :)

i'm gonna find another you

2006-12-28T01:41:00.000-08:00

it's really over, you made your stand
you got me crying, as was your plan
but when my loneliness is through, i'm gonna find another you

you take your sweaters
you take your time
you might have your reasons but you will never have my rhyme
i'm gonna sing my way away from blue
i'm gonna find another you

when i was your lover
no one else would do
if i'm forced to find another i hope she looks like you
yeah and she's nicer too

so go on baby
make your little get away
my pride will keep me company
and you just gave yours all away
now i'm gonna dress myself for two
once for me and once for someone new
i'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
oh i'm gonna find another you
- john mayer

Walk Away

2006-05-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

I swapped my innocence for pride
Crushed the end within my stride
Said 'I'm strong now I know that I'm a leaver"
I love the sound of you walking away
Mascara bleeds a blackened tear
And I am cold
Yes I'm cold
But not as cold as you are
I love the sound of you walking away

Why don't you walk away?
No buildings will fall down
Why don't you walk away?
No quake will split the ground
Why don't you walk away?
The sun won't swallow the sky
Why don't you walk away?
Statues will not cry

I cannot turn to see those eyes
As apologies may rise
I must be strong and stay an unbeliever
And love the sound of you walking away
Mascara bleeds into my eye
I'm not cold
I am old
At least as old as you are
As you walk away

And as you walk away
My headstone crumbles down
As you walk away
The Hollywood wind's a howl
As you walk away
The Kremlin's falling
As you walk away
Radio 4 is static
As you walk away

The stab of stiletto
On a silent night
Stalin smiles
Hitler laughs
Churchill claps
Mao Tse-Tung
On the back

Lies

2006-04-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

Dreams that present themselves as reality.

Everytime you close your eyes: lies, lies.

Waking Up

2006-01-08T13:32:00.000-08:00

I see you and you are the most wonderful thing that I have ever laid eyes on.

My heart jumps. And I forget that I have ever felt pain before.

But it doesn't matter if I meet you in my mind or on the street.

I hold you close, and there you stay.

Waking up into what it became.

Losing Grip

2005-07-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

are you aware of how you make me feel, baby?
right now i feel like my eyes are falling
my mind is falling
my hopes are falling
i'm falling for you

it's wrong
it's right
we need to say goodnight

i don't want to fall to pieces
so much for my happy ending

nobody's home on the boulevard of broken dreams
all i wanted was what was haunted

toxic

pathetic

and i don't want to fall to pieces
i don't want to talk about it
i don't want a conversation
i just want to cry in front of you

closer?

farther apart.

gone forever.

broken. fixed. what?

sad miserable endings. please. every movie. every happy twisted ending. make it real. please. make it real. make it real. make it real. make it real. make it real. make it real. make it real.

show me it's okay. it doesn't happen. no more. i don't need it right? why. what is my defense. long lost words whisper slowly to me. still can't find what keeps me here. when all this time i've been so hollow inside.

i know you're still there.

watching me

wanting me

i can feel you hold me down.

Today

2005-02-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

"My friend, Sharmini, wrote the following in regards to overcoming her incredible loss:

in the face of everlasting happiness would you ever look back?

in the face of everlasting doom would you ever look forward?

in this world, i was caught at the latter...for a very very long time. And now, by some miracle, i'm caught in the former...looking endlessly forward into the scintillating light of the unknown horizon.

and in this hope i am found again.

i love you but i no longer miss you."

Let's celebrate February 3rd!

The Dream Is Always The Same

2004-12-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

A Disappearing Act

2004-12-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

as the smoke emerges from my lips
i am hit by realization
this isn't my flame

my fingertips feel electric
as i run them over this smooth silk
and for a moment pretend that it is mine

sand falls into my open hand
with grains of silver and gold
i clench and see it slip away

it slips onto the delicate smooth
and i wrap it all up into a ball
and hold it close to my body

like magic -- eureka!

it disappears!

Intoxicated

2004-12-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

in your seductive way your
toxic lips curled as your moves
ate away at my inhibitions
devilishly

nicotine embers and you flinch
but i never met you
and i don't know you
and you say that you've never done this before

Jewels

2004-12-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

i smiled

as i saw you
violet
light streaming through a sapphire
the stars of a hundred different colours
dancing around your silhouette
as you towered over me

you spoke with that lovely smirk
with lies that only made me grin

you laughed at my jokes
as if i were real to you
i listened to your stories
as if you were real to me

as i reached for your hand
you reached for my wallet
i shook my head, and you paused

locked in each other's gaze
the words barely came out of my mouth
"allow me," i managed
as i reached
into my pocket

you smiled

Haunted

2004-12-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

Long lost words whisper to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow inside

Watching me
Wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you
Loving you
I won't let you pull me down

Hunting you, I can smell you - alive
Your heart pounding in my head

Watching me
Wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Saving me
Raping me
Watching me...

- Evanescence